Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sasha's Best Friend Lindsey (Lakshmi)

Sasha and Lindsey have been the best of friends forever it seems.  They got into mischief together in grade 7, sat in detention together in high school, experimented with illegal substances in their late teens, and regrettably raided Sasha's dad's liquor cabinet on more than one occasion.  Here's a bit more about Lindsey...

Real name: Lakshmi, but has been going by the name Lindsey since elementary school. Her Sri Lankan parents still call her by her real name, and do not approve of the anglicized moniker. 

It's much harder to make a teasing nickname out of "Lakshmi" than it is out of "Lindsey".  In high school, let's face it, Lindsey was a little bit too easy with the guys, thus earning the handle "Flimsy Lindsey".

Occupation: Real estate agent.  Ironically, she does not own her own home yet.  She still lives with super-religious Mom and Pop and will do so until she gets married. 

Upside to this: she is saving a ton of money.  Downside to this: even though she's in her early thirties, she still gets yelled at for coming home late.  She lies to her parents quite often.  As far as they know, she has run out of gas 6 times this year, has had 11 flat tires in as many months, and has a friend undergoing an emergency appendectomy at least once per lunar cycle.

Proudest moment: Reciting her poem "Lima Beans and Blue Jeans" at the Mother's Day pageant in senior kindergarden.  She somehow managed to make a rhyme out of "Levis" and "freeze dried".

Claim to fame: Flashed her boobs while on Bourbon Street during a trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. A newspaper reporter with a camera in hand caught the moment on film and her breasts were on page one of the next day's newpaper.  Note the contrast between this and her proudest moment, above.  Thank god her parents don't surf the 'net.

Pet peeve: Wal-Mart and any major chain... Oh, wait, that rant is getting old and sounds so Mother Jonesian.  How about this:  Irritated by men who wear brown shoes with a black suit, and she loathes geraniums.  She'll only list or show houses if they do not have any of these garish blooms on the property.  She also intensely dislikes Conan O'Brien's hair. 

Secret dream:  To mess-up Conan O'Brien's hair. and to shake hands with Prince William.  Either of those, or to learn to fly a helicopter.  Fuck that, wouldn't it be cool to just fly?

Engaged to: Restaurant owner and chef Shane Jackson (Sasha's brother). The wedding is planned for some day between now and whenever Hell freezes over.  Sasha will be the maid of honour and will be forced to wear the gaudiest dress known to mankind.  Puffed sleeves and bows for sure.

On being best friends with Sasha (and someday sister-in-law), Lindsey says:

"I've learned a lot from Sasha, most of it's good, but... well... Let's just say that much she has taught me is not and will never be on my resume.  From Sasha, I have learned how to:
  • Lie my way into or out of almost any situation, because of her
  • Appreciate the difference between a single malt scotch and a blend
  • Rhyme several words with "penis"
  • Make origami deco... No, wait, that was someone else
  • Apply false eyelashes
  • Get free upgrades at five-star hotels
It's also because of Sasha that:  
  • I am now barred from Jeronimo Java on King Street
  • I have a lifetime subscription to "Watchtower"
  • I got fired (!!!) from being a volunteer at the hospital
  • I almost choked while eating Gummi Bears on a treadmill
  • I once spent a night on a sailboat with a well known rock star and no anchor
  • I will never again wear white shoes after labour day 
You couldn't ask for a better friend than Sasha.  She's fiercely loyal, funny as hell, and is ultimately (and usually accidentally) quite dangerous."

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